Should You Go Alone to a Therapist If Your Partner Refuses to Come Along?

by Carol Campbell, MFT

Frequently it happens that when conflict emerges in a relationship, only one party is willing to consider calling a therapist, even when it is the couple's relationship that is the obvious cause for concern. Here are some of the most common reasons given for pushing away the idea of couple's counseling:

• "You are the one with the real problem. Why should I have to go?"
• "I'm no good at talking about all that emotional crap – it will be a waste of time."
• "I'm not interested in sharing personal stuff with a complete stranger. It doesn't seem to stop you, so go right ahead."
• "I'm too busy. We could never coordinate our schedules."

Clearly each of these positions is a defense against a perceived danger. For some, the danger is the thought of being revealed as needing help, when our culture likes to pretend that grownups should not need help. For others, it seems dangerous to talk about problems, as if talking about something will magically make it worse. (Of course the opposite is what is true; talking is what can bring relief and healing.) Not knowing where the counseling will lead the couple also stirs up fear and defensiveness, particularly in folks with a high need for control. Some people find it embarrassing to have to talk with a stranger about personal matters, particularly when they are overly critical of themselves.

Defenses are there for a reason, and generally speaking it's not a good idea to try to mow them down in a bold effort to improve things. If a person is adamant about refusing professional help, I recommend a move that stands a chance of finessing the defense: Go see the therapist without them.

One of the main concepts of family systems theory, which is behind most approaches to doing couple's therapy, is the notion that if one person in a family changes, there is simply no way that the whole family will not also change. They cannot help but adjust to the changes demonstrated by the one in therapy. Here is a somewhat simplistic example: If Bill goes alone to therapy to deal with his unhappy marriage, it's highly likely he will find relief and understanding at the therapist's office. Then when he goes home feeling less critical of himself, he will be far less likely to fall into his usual patterns of being critical of his wife Megan. Then Megan will in turn have more patience with the children, and therefore they will have less trouble focusing on getting their homework done, because they aren't worrying about why Mom is so mean to them. Pretty soon everyone is doing things differently, and more peacefully. And only one person went to therapy.

Another frequent outcome of having one person of the couple go to therapy is that the other person soon becomes curious about it. Often the second person will either want to come visit a session, or even want his or her own therapist, or want the treatment to become couple counseling for the two of them on a regular basis after all. If both the people have been miserable together, and one of them starts stepping out of the "yuckiness" and enjoying his or her life, how could the one left behind not want to also enjoy the good feelings that come from therapy?

Another reason not to push too hard to get someone to come to couple counseling is that sometimes it is too late. In that case, separate work may be preferable, especially if domestic violence has been part of the problem.

It should also be mentioned that some more emotionally mature couples who need to separate can make good use of a therapist who can help them un-couple. Meeting together for the purpose of deconstructing the relationship, dividing things up, processing anger and grief, and honoring the goodness in the past can be a reasonable goal.

Bottom line: Don't let someone else talk you out of going for therapy just because the idea is not something they are ready for. You are a separate person. Go for it!

[ back to articles ]
 

Calls regarding appointments are welcome at my private voicemail: 650-325-2576.

Carol L. Campbell, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist providing psychotherapy and psychoanalysis for individual adults and couples in Palo Alto, California. She has degrees from Brown University and Santa Clara University and has been licensed since 1991. Carol is a graduate of the Palo Alto Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Training Program sponsored at Stanford by the San Francisco Center for Psychoanalysis and was a candidate at the Psychoanalytic Institute of Northern California in San Francisco from 2010-2011. She is also a clinical member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the Northern California Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology.